Bon Appetit

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She could not see him. 
She knew he was in the room she could hear laughter, fake polite laughter reverberating through the walls of the lightless room.

A couple of women purring in heat and stretching in a clear sign of the hunt to come… the smell of nothing, a concerning lack of fresh air and she could not see him anymore.

She knew his eyes would be searching for her. He would be flirting lightly to get her attention his shoulders would have drooped by now waiting for a reaction that wouldn’t come.

she knew he would frown if she told him how she hated the furniture in this room and how her skin crawled when these women in heat bombarded her with questions about her personal life and touched her arm… she was aware that people thought her cold but she had a hiyena-dar that she trusted and this was not going to change…

He thought she didn ‘t want to look at him the truth was she could not see him… not anymore.

The noise was so low in that room it was deafening and she could not see …

This was not the first time her eyes fail her. They have been betraying her for months now, on unexpected occasions. Suddenly things seemed to melt into the background and became no-things, but he was always the last to fade away. Maybe because when she looked at him all of her senses were engaged…eyesight was secondary in the process. His Spleen engulfed her as if it was her own, and his silly joys made her giggle. His mistakes upset her fiercely and she would lash at him like an angry lioness... He would feel bad, but not fast enough or deep enough.

Last week at the doctor’s, she waited alone. She usually told her friends of her troubles, not him. He got angry when she did not share, forgetting that he did the same. It’s hard to care for people deeply. Your vulnerabilities are multiplied your skin gets thinner as it stretches to encompass the world… and it takes you ages to learn the supra human strength that hides under this vulnerability.

She waited. The doctor was nice enough.  She complimented her on her glasses and they discussed frames and face shapes. Her eyes were deeply probed and then there were questions about her life, her work her stress… she answered automatically looking at the blinking light of her phone. They were still en froid but she had to leave the house early … so He must have wondered, she was thinking when the doctor asked :

-Can you please describe to me your episodes ? you said that sometimes you cannot see ?

-Ah yes, sorry ….I was thinking.(she picked her glasses to put them on, a thinking prerequisite)

-Sometimes yes I cannot see, well it feels like I still can but I don’t …  there is this sudden darkness… like some kind of a cloak a black cloak.

I don’t feel like it’s in my eyes or in front of them, if you see what I mean… it feels like dark curtains going down in my head … inside it … as in literally. I can feel their thickness… and I can’t see anything else.

-I understand that your previous doctor was not concerned by this as your tests were all clear.

-"Yes, Doctor George said that it must be stress but this is getting worse… yesterday It lasted for more than fifteen minutes, on and off… we had visitors... I broke a glass...Not that people noticed," she giggled , "you see I am very clumsy usually my husband makes fun of me for it. So I googled another doctor and here I am

-       - you googled me ? the Doctor sounded pleasantly horrified

-       - I did … the patient smiled. I want someone out of our network … someone who doesn’t know me but will want to know my eyes

-       - I see

-       - Yes… so Doctor what do you think ?

-       -You must have googled your problem before you visited me then… what do you think you have ?

-       - Ha ha ha, I did … and I think I have a NOVL

-       - A non organic vision loss… probable for now.

-       - You think it could be stress doctor ?

-       - Do you think it’s stress ?

-       - I don’t know… every-time doctors do not know what to say they tell you it’s stress… I mean I am sorry but really I do not know anyone who is not stressed now. Do you?

-       - I agree that our ways of living are stressful but not all people react the same way. And most people have a wide array of coping mechanisms…

-       - I hate the word coping

-       - Maybe we should start from here. Would you go see a psychiatrist if I told you to.

-       - No I would not. I studied psychology and my mind works well. I just want you to confirm that the problem is in my mind

-       - I cannot do this, and you just said that you have a problem in your mind… and you are smart enough to know you are right .

-       -Doctor...

-       - Ok let’s agree on meeting again in 2 weeks … I ll give you as subscription for an eye drop and some vitamins… and ask you to rest this week and take it easy. If any other episode happens I want you to write down when it does, where and what are the circumstances…agreed ?

-       - Agreed

-       - And please do not drive… also avoid being alone where it’s risky,

-       - That one is hard doctor. I will not drive but I will be alone…

-       - Ok then please can we agree on you not playing ballerina on the roof !

-       How did you…

-       I googled you too! your facebook page is public and your videos are fun to watch.

-       Hah aha ah … that is good to know. I will be careful.

Her phone started blinking again and the smiled got wiped off her face…

-I have to go

-Who is driving you

-I will grab a taxi

The doctor nodded

 He was in the kitchen. It smelled nice. She knew they were supposed to kiss and make up but he was mean yesterday. When she broke the glass. He was coldly mean. He was never before coldly mean…

His back was to the kitchen door but he turned swiftly when she came in… his smile eating up all of his face before he hid it behind a frown.

-I have invited Sasha to come eat with us, he said matter of factly… I am cooking lasagne

She hated Sasha. A cheap social climber who alternated between two sick strategies playing the victim to get the attention of caring men and complimenting every male in sight with the right amount of touching. Needless to say most men fell for her tricks and most thought her nice!

Sasha constantly checked herself in the mirror like a clown afraid the mask would fall and her face would be seen for what it is: harsh and sad.

Every move of hers was a studied act. Nothing was spontaneous. In short, she was a sliding lie and she was invited for dinner.

When she did not reply, he turned her way and repeated we are having lasagne and Sasha …

-       yes, yes and Sasha is coming for dinner, I heard you. But I don’t want her  here. She makes me sick.

-       What do you mean you don’t want her here. I invited her here and I am cooking. You do not have to eat if you do not want to

She looked at him in silence… this cold face again. She didn’t recognize him. His eyes were drowning his rictus faded in his chin… she closed her eyes … it was happening again.

-       he was still shouting, when the curtain fell and she said :

I cannot see you.

What? he shouted

She felt her tears on her chin and throat and looked in his direction … took a deep breath and said calmly:

I cannot see you ... I cannot see you anymore. Bon Appetit.

Dima EL SAYED